What the F**k Did I Just Watch? - Ep.2 Karate-Robo Zabogar

Some Jerk, PT, Dennis and Mr. Moore discuss just how boring a motorcycle chase can be, why shooting death beams at your suicidal prisoner is more awesome than just letting him plummet to his death, and the many reasons this movie hates women. Come with us and wish for mighty Thor to end your woes.

Update 04/24/2013

Hello again! I thought I'd take a little time out of my day to answer any questions some of you may have regarding what I'm doing, what I've been up to, and why there hasn't been much content as of late. And by people, I mean the questions I imagine people asking me if they actually gave a shit.

Let's get started, shall we?

Why haven't you written any articles in a while?

Good question; and you're sexy for asking it. Articles have been taking me a long time to write. They've become bigger projects, essays really, compared to what they used to be. Sure, it would be easy to whip up a six paragraph piece, but I get more satisfaction from tackling bigger topics. Bigger issues are harder to tackle since they require me to think of every side of an argument. Making sure I address as many lines of thought as possible is taxing and time consuming, yet it's necessary if I'm going to make my point without looking like an asshole.

I know it may not seem like it, with all the spelling issues and grammar fuck ups, but I also have to proof read what I write before I publish it. That's more time that need to go into the shit fest being absorbed by your eyes.

Along with the time it takes to write something, other projects require my attention. What the Fuck Did I Just Watch? requires a shit ton (approximately 128 shit loads) of work, even though it's just myself and three other people dicking around in front of our mics. I'd get into it, but I'm sure one of you fine looking people will bring that up later.

When can we expect a new article?

Honestly, probably June. I'm going to take as much time as possible during May to come up with 3-4 articles to be released in June. If I keep up with this work ethic (which, let's be honest, I won't), then there will be articles released every month again. Since it's also getting closer to summer movie season, some shorter reviews might pop up, alongside some top 10 lists, but I make no promises. You greedy bastards get enough from me!


So you've got a new podcast. How's that going?

There's not a day that goes by that I don't add something to What the Fuck Did I Just Watch? Anyone who's worked on a podcast before knows that it takes a few episodes to find out what works. I recently wrapped up episode two, and I'm gearing up for episode three. I'll be looking for panel members within the next week or two, and I've got yet another format structure I want to try out. I'm guessing What the Fuck Did I Just Watch? will probably be close to what I want it to be by episode five or six. Not that the episodes before it will suck, but...well, yes, they'll suck (but in a good way, like an unclean prostitute who gives you herpes after the best blowjob of your life).

Does it have to be only once a month?

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get people to watch these kinds of movies more than once a month? They have their breaking point and the movies only get worse with each episode, so it's best to space them out. Also, it gives my brother time to edit. I hate editing. I hate it with the passion of a thousand dying Christs. Thus, I passed off the responsibility and hope that I get back a finished product.

I'm gearing up to do something else to make this a bi-weekly podcast (one main episode at the beginning of the month and one shorter one for the middle), but that's a bit premature at the moment, and I'd like to get the primary episodes in better shape before I rush into anything else. Expect more news about that sometime in late June or early July (or whenever the fuck I feel like it).

Are we going to get more science?

Yes. There will be a science article in June.


Will it be the long overdue Mars article?

No. And fuck you. I'm still working on it.


How about that 90 day experiment that suddenly dropped off after a few entries?

I'll address that. It didn't turn out the way I thought. And it's over now anyway, so I don't have to be nice anymore. Get raped by a blue whale penis. Next question.

Are you still doing voice work?

Ah! There we go! Yes, I am. However, I currently have no voice work on my plate at the moment, which is good for anyone who wants to give me some since it'll actually be on time (unlike when I had four assignments to do at once and some people had to wait a month or two).

Could you overdub the squishy sounds in my bi-sexual furry porno? The fluff of the suits muffled out the good stuff.

What?

Just...

no...

What the F**k Did I Just Watch? - Ep. 1 Nude Nuns With Big Guns

In the premiere episode, Some Jerk, PT, The Other Dude, and Ryan take on why tits and violence don't mean anything if the quality isn't there, how the Catholic Church is the worst place to deal drugs, and the reason rape is not usually a stylistic choice.

Let's Talk About Oz the Great and Powerful

RATING: RETURN TO THE WONDROUS WORLD OF OZ, WHERE MAGIC IS NOT MERELY A CONCEPT, BUT A KEY COMPONENT OF THE WORLD ITSELF (AND A BITCH CAN GET HER ASS FRIED WITH FORCE LIGHTNING!)

Many of us grew up with the film The Wizard of Oz; our parents grew up with it, as did their parents. Chances are, we you have kids, they'll grow up with it. It's quite possibly one of the first films to have such a strong impact on multiple generations. The next generation will have Star Wars and Lord of the Rings (well, the movies...they'll still have the books, if you can get the little shits to read more than half a page), but before these huge blockbusters came along, there were few movies so beloved.

This little factoid makes the idea of a prequel or sequel to The Wizard of Oz repulsive. Even if they never expressed it, I bet millions of people world wide had the sinking feeling of shock, and burning of anger, about someone coming in and fucking up the magical world they grew up with! Their outrage would be so great, you'd think that someone decapitated and gutted a duck right in front of them (or in the case of China, a...um...person? No, that's not shocking enough for them...)! It doesn't matter that there were over a dozen sequels to the book, a new Oz would be an affront to childhood itself!

Moping and whining aside, in this day and age, making sequels and prequels is the norm. Tim Burton made a career of raping childhood dreams, going to far as to produce the works of others doing the same. It's kind of like Ted Bundy supporting John Wayne Gacy because he liked his style. It takes someone who understands the world itself to develop something beyond the dark fetish of someone who didn't get laid enough as a teenager (seriously, Tim Burton ruined a lot of stuff). The director's vision much mesh with the core of the story, the reasons behind why people love the original, and most importantly, do more than make a carbon copy of what came before. What kind of person could do this? Who could take the helm and inject new feelings of wonder to an established creation without making the audience feel like someone suckered them into the theater and sold them bullshit for $17.50 (prices may change with the inclusion of IMAX and/or 3D, but let's not kid ourselves, chances are you can't escape one or the other)?

Not my first choice, but sure. Why not?

Once again, we leave our childhood in the hands of a man known for almost drowning an actor with fake blood (Bruce Campbell) and creating horrible monsters to shock audiences (also involving Bruce Campbell). Then again, this is also a man with a childlike nature attached to him. Take away the goo and gore, and there's a charming slapstick nature behind his violence. Even on set, he's known for playing pranks on his friends, as well as putting them in roles where they get the ever loving shit kicked out of them (you figured out that I'm talking about Bruce Campbell, right?) He did a great job with the first two Spiderman films in the early 2000's by utilizing his unique brand of imagination and story telling, so it's not impossible to picture something decent coming from this talented man-boy. Just look at his picture again, with his head cocked and confused half smile, don't you just want to pinch his cheeks and baby-speak some condescending nonsense to him about how much of a good job he'll do making another big-boy movie? It's okay, go on and do it. Any frustration that may come about will be taken out on Bruce Campbell.

Proof.

I enjoy the majority of Sam Raimi's work. In fact, the only factor I saw getting in the way of Oz the Great and Powerful's quality was the IP itself. If Raimi was allowed to do whatever he wanted with the Oz universe, then there would be no doubt in my mind that the quality would be outstanding. It wouldn't fit in with established cannon, and it would probably scare the shit out of anyone under twelve (even then, this might be an understatement), but it would be fun as hell to watch. As is, I could only expect that he'd do the best he could to make it more than the boring, cliched mess a lesser director would undoubtedly create. If Sam Raimi has anything, it's style.

And style is what saves this movie, because...well...it's a cliched mess. No, mess isn't right. Watching Oz the Great and Powerful is like watching a movie that deliberately designed itself around tropes. Scenes build on one another, seeming like they're aiming towards something different and refreshing, only to be knocked down to established key points that producers figure are what get people to spent almost twenty bucks on a ticket. While I could bitch and complain about how the 'established' structure that these people hang onto so much to pinch a penny drive films to the point of predictability, and therefore a waste of time, I'd rather just say that what Oz the Great and Powerful does right is enough to keep me interested far beyond the point of me saying "Here's where 'X' happens. Now 'Y'. I'm going to get a fucking soda until after 'Z' and maybe take a piss until the credits." (This pretty much happened when I went to go see Battleship)

The magic of Oz is here. I had absolutely no problem with the world itself. Every detail feels like it would have been in the original if it had the technological prowess that exists now. Vegetation that creates music as the wind blows, old men called Tinkerers who create new marvels within their shops, even the unnecessary force lighting power the Wicked Witch had fit right into the world of Oz. Other factors are ripped right out of the original, and are used as actual plot devices instead of "OMG guys! Do you remember this from the original?!? Isn't it so cool that it's here?!?!?!?" moments (or as Quentin Tarintino calls them, 'homages'). It was nice to see Glenda the Good's bubble power pop in and play a vital role. You could say that it becomes an unneeded throwaway by the end (and you'd be right), but it's not like that shit made much sense in the original. Bitch just came down in a bubble and started talking to a jail bait farm girl and a dog, what fucking sense does that make?

About as much sense as her sudden Hogwarts training.

Final Thoughts: As a whole, Oz the Great and Powerful isn't that bad. Is it a classic the way the original was? Fuck no. But, I saw it twice and it didn't manage to bore me either time (once was because my office was closed during a snow storm, and the other was because Bunny bitched that I should have waited for her). It wasn't anything spectacular, but it was fun to watch (and yes, it was made better when I saw it with another person). It's something you can take your kids to, or check out if you've got some free time. It does a good job keeping the feeling of what you love alive, even if you expected more from it in the end.

And that is one of the biggest goddamn compliments you can give a movie like this. Tim Burton could do well to follow from Sam Raimi's example. Raimi might not take the story telling risks that Burton does, but he knows what's going to piss off people and what's going to make them happy. Then again, Burton can't be happy. Everything must be dark and twisted; a completely warped version of what people grew up with. There's no way people would ever want to see their favorite childhood things replicated once they got older, right? Adults get depressed once they hit a certain age and all good and innocent childhood memories must be culled.

Or he could just take his fuckin' meds.

Update 02/22/2013

So...where have I been? It's been two weeks and there hasn't been a new article, a new movie review, or even an update. What the fuck gives, man? What the fuck gives?!?

First of all, shut the fuck up.

Secondly, I've been working on a new project that requires a lot more work. This new project is one I've been promising (kind of) and I'm trying my damndest (is that how you spell that shit?) to live up to my promise as a part of this whole 'doing the right thing' experiment. The only problem is that it cuts into the write ups of the 'do the right thing' experiment. Additionally, I've had some pretty intensive projects at work that have cut into my free time, which is when I usually add a few paragraphs here and there to whatever new article I'm pumping out. This, combined with regular normal life stuff, has caused a delay in new material.

Also, February is the prom dumpster of movie releases, so yeah, nothing really to write about.

Let's talk about my project for the moment. I've promised a podcast. At first, I was going to write new drafts of older articles, if not new ones completely, and release them on a monthly basis. I had three completed, one of while I'm veeeery slooooooooooooooly editing and recording. One out of the six pages is recorded. It will take a while at the rate I'm going (I'll pick up the pace sometime in the middle of 2013), so get used to it. Another article wasn't very good, so I scrapped it.

The third article I spent a lot of time polishing, and it was supposed to be the first one I recorded. It was about how pedestrians and bicyclists should be careful about what they're doing and pay attention, otherwise they're going to be hit by a truck. I made a lot of jokes about people getting hit by trucks, including one about how a hipster wearing an ugly green sweater ironically would end up as Christmas garland if he decides to ignore the traffic lights and check his Twitter updates instead of checking for an oncoming truck...

...then some asshole gets hit by a truck outside my office the day I was going to record. Didn't feel much like doing it after that (though I did feel a bit psychic).

But enough of that shit. My brother and I have recorded a pilot episode of a new podcast. It's shit, completely unusable, but I took that into consideration. We've both worked on podcasts before, and we both know that segments need to be hashed out, the structure tweaked, and a little bit of practice on the mic is needed before something usable comes out. I'm happy to say, we're gearing up for the next episode, and I think it'll be a good time.

It's called What the Fuck Did I Just Watch? I pick a film, something terrible, absolute garbage, usually with one star on Netflix, and we watch it. Not before hand, while we record. It's not a commentary track either. When we start recording, no one has seen the movie. We give our impressions and expectation about what we're getting ourselves into. Then, we encourage everyone to stop listening, watch the movie (just like us), and start it up after they've seen it (it's not required, but it's fun to do in order to be on the same level as all of us). After we've seen it, we jump into our discussion.

That's all I have to say for now. Hopefully, this new podcast stays fresh and fun to do. I know a lot of people can become worn out watching such shitty movies, but I'm planning to start it as a monthly affair, possibly expanding bi-monthly if it works out. I'll keep updating as things progress.

Adios!

Crossroads 01/09/2013 - 01/18/2013

I find myself standing at an intersection on my way to work. One way leads up a hill, a steep, arduous climb that results in a fifteen minute walk to the train station. The other way is a short, flat walk to the bus stop, however the bus could take anywhere from three to thirty minutes to arrive. The benefits to walking up the hill is that I know exactly how long it'll take me to get to my location, it's good exercise, and I'm not tempted to stop anywhere to grab extra food before I get to work. The bus, on the other hand, will be warmer, allow me to read, and while it's a gamble, could get me to work earlier. What to do...what to do...

Imagine yourself walking by this scene; a grown ass man standing on the street corner looking back and forth between two different streets. The optimist might say "Aw. Maybe I should help the illiterate retarded man find his way home. Where's his handler?" Meanwhile, most everyone else would back away from the shifty motherfucker who's probably either selling, or smoking crack. I've had to practically shut do to evaluate everything I do to make sure it's the right thing...and it's getting a little awkward.

In the corner of a CVS, I'm reaching for the handle of the cooler that houses the various Coke products when I freeze. Do I really need this coke? Could I go without it for a day? Is there another, more affordable alternative for the moment? All these thoughts are going through my head for a fucking Coke! Don't even get me started on my lunch time bullshit...

The soup is a dollar, but the salad is healthier...what's the best decision?

Money troubles have been hampering a few issues. It's after Christmas, I'm dead broke. At one point I had six dollars in my bank account. In order to, you know, live, I had to ask Bunny if I could mooch off her for a bit. I don't like doing that. I always feel like a piece of shit. When you haven't eaten anything but sunflower seeds for the entire day however, suddenly this seems like a fine decision. I know I'll reimburse her via dinner, episodes of TV shows, or even cold hard cash, but if this was a normal situation, and not a desperate one, my choices would be very different.

*     *     *

I'm trying not to correct every wrong fact that pops up on a daily basis. Not every myth or unfounded wives tale is going to end the universe, so what's the point in pissing people off just because they misspoke, or because they believe that 'I before E, except after C' (albeit it, unless you deign meeting a feisty neighbor after eight to ship beige dreidels via freight). In other words, I'm trying to dial back the bullshit.

Cut to Bunny's house. I was watching TV while Bunny was talking with Person X. There was something Bunny was saying and she used the phrase "me and Jerk". At this point she was stopped and corrected by Person X. "Jerk and I". Growing up, I heard this very often. It's the 'proper' way to speak. "Me and Jerk" is not grammatically correct. Hearing someone 'misspeak' like this is like nails on a chalkboard; a kick in the balls to the English language. There's only one problem...

I never found a convincing argument that this is true.

Most everyone is probably thinking "What the fuck is this guys talking about? Is he really going against every teacher/writer/grammar Nazi on the planet?" No. Languages evolve and the social context of a word or phrase is as important as the rules of structure. The point of a language is not the rules that govern it, but rather to give us the ability to understand each other. A great example I heard years ago is "What there that thar be?" As you can see, this is American redneck, Southern retard if you will, for the phrase "What is that?" It's not grammatically correct, but it can be understood.

I know the rules of grammar. At the same time, I'll often knowingly violate them. If you could 'kill' English, I'd be Ed Gein, digging up new words and combining them in ways that would shock and horrify my old English professors ('douchnozzle' would be a skin lamp, and 'me no want cook. time for sleepy!' would be a sofa made of human bones). As I said before, going out of my way to fuck up the language, doesn't mean that I don't know the rules.

When Bunny said "me and Jerk", she used it as a compound objective noun. She was referring to something that happened to us. In this case, you would not use 'I' since that's the subjective singular use. The phrase "This is between you and I" is actually incorrect. It sounds proper and posh (read: douchy), but it's not correct. The subjective noun in this sentence is 'this'. Whatever 'this' is causes something to happen to us. Therefore, the grammatically correct objective singular pronoun choice is 'you and me'.

As far as how to arrange the pronouns in a compound subject, I couldn't find any rules to follow. I found plenty of social rules, such as putting the singular pronoun at the end because it's 'polite', but I found no actual grammatical rules. Words don't give a shit if someone's polite. If they did, then they could suck a dick, but they don't. They are sounds that we make to get ideas across. If I spoke in the third person and said "Jerk and Bunny" or "Bunny and Jerk", I'd sound like a fucking moron, but there would be no grammatical rules broken. The same goes for "me and Jerk". As long as the phrasing was used in the objective sense, nothing but social rules are broken.

All this goes on in my head very quickly. Not the specifics, but I know this stuff backwards and forwards, so I don't think about it. This is what happened inside my head when Person X made the correction. There were a lot of factors, but since it was about grammar, and I felt that Bunny was being put down in the moment, I decided to make a correction and stick by it.

I'm not allowed back at Bunny's house anymore.

*     *     *

Now, I always figured I'd be kicked out; it was only a matter of time. I was more surprised that it was some insignificant piece of bullshit that did it. Since the whole situation was unreasonable, and I still tried to do the right thing throughout the whole ordeal, rather than invent profanities and insults that would put Quentin Tarantino movies to shame, Bunny has been coming to my house more often.

While making dinner, mushrooms sauteed in butter and spices over a large cut of sirloin, I've started to realize that even doing the right thing can get you into trouble. It makes sense. Even the nicest person gets into trouble. I guess I have to just take what's coming and keep going, no matter how fucked up the outcome.

I decide to be cute and put our dinner on one place to share. It rests between us while we watch some TV on the sofa in the living room. Bunny asks if she could use a pillow to make the plate higher. I have reservations, but the right thing to do is to be nice and let her do it. Who knows? Maybe it'll work.

Right away, I know it's not going to work. I'm maneuvering the plate this way and that in order to keep the juices from the steak from pouring all over us (there was a lot of juices). I rotate the plate and try to hold it still. Every neuron in my brain is telling me to say that this was a stupid idea and that we should abandon it before our dinner ends up as a large brown stain on my white rug.

Bunny's hands put pressure on the plate as she goes to cut off her next piece. I see the knife, I see my hand. I try to tell her to hold on. I try.

I don't think I got more than half a sound out when I felt the serrated blade bite into my skin...

Dunstan McGlub

Ever since I was introduced to them when I first got to college, I've played tabletop RPGs. It's a great way to socialize and I get to fuck with people...a lot. Whether it's myself running the game, or merely a character in it, I make sure that everyone else has to stay on their toes. If you want to be the strong, noble elf that will diffuse the situation with cleverness and cunning, then I'll make sure that my nine year old child will put rocks in his pockets and start drowning while you're being attacked by a bear. Did the GM just take away my favorite weapon? Here comes a suicidal story arc where I try to take it back! Once I was playing a drop in character, just for fun, and when I got offended, I blew up some C4. I rolled so well that I killed everyone. EVERYONE. I accidentally ended my friend's campaign. There was nothing he could do. The only one left alive was my brother, playing an unimportant assistant to my character, who could only shrug and find new employment after the explosion.

When P-Money wanted to run a Shadowrun campaign, my first priority was making sure that the character I created would make his story 'more interesting'. Random thoughts started falling into place. I was going to be a detective, but a very dumb one. He was going to be fat. Whatever decisions had to be made would be chosen based on the first thing that would come to my mind. It didn't matter what it was, or how horribly it would affect the situation, that was my choice. Oh, and for some reason I wanted him to sound like Jimmy Stewart (I did this voice for three months).

Thus, Dunstan McGlub was born.

As far as stats go, normal intelligence in Shadowrun is a 3. Trolls and dumb characters are a 2. My character was a 1. There was more than one occasion where my character pulled a gun and started shooting because he thought there ghosts around. Once, in order to cause a distraction, Dunstan took off his pants and urinated on the floor...in the middle of a gun fight. There were so many thoughtless, illegal things he did, that there was a whole session devoted to a criminal trial after he was arrested. The charges included numerous accounts of attempted murder (I shot someone in the leg to scare them, but forgot I had explosive rounds in my gun and ended up blowing off his leg. Frightened, I shot his friend, forgetting once again that I never switched rounds), grand theft auto (I tried to argue that I stole a cab at night, everyone else said during the day, the argument started to get heated until I asked "Wait, which time am I being prosecuted for?"), attempted grand theft auto (I made a joke about how the only way anyone would prove anything would be if they had a picture of me committing a crime where I gave my information while showing a verifiable ID...which I did here...while pulling a gun...), breaking and entering, and exposing myself in public.

If it wasn't for the fact that I put a 6 in Body, allowing me to take a lot of damage, as well as investing in a lot of Edge, giving me added bonuses when I needed them, Dunstan probably wouldn't have survived. By the end of the campaign, Dunstan became the bullet sponge that allowed the other characters to find and defeat the main baddie. It took all the edge available, and a shit ton of decent defense rolls, but he lived. I pictured him showing up to the other characters looking like Judge Reinhold from Beverly Hills Cop 3; a bloody mess, barely able to stand.

Throughout the campaign, in between committing crimes or stupidity and making decisions that almost got everyone else killed, Dunstan had 'The More You Know' moments. That's right, each week, he learned something. As you can imagine, information filtered through the mind of someone this stupid could only mean...well...why don't you just read for yourself?

Here are the things that Dunstan 'learned' throughout the campaign:

8. The best wine to order at a restaurant is a 1974 shitty blue.

7. My burned dick looks like Darth Vader.

6. Iodine clearly goes in the eyes.

5. It's DunstAn. The "O" is silent...and replaced with an "A".

4. Following strangers is a good idea, as long as you promise not to rape them.

3. When someone asks you a question, it's not polite to blow their leg off.

2. Guns don't shoot knives, they shoot bullets! Bullets don't stab people!

And, of course...

1. Halloween for black people is January.

Dunstan has come back for another campaign, but his character is evolving and taking on another role. I've handed the character over to the GM and created a new one for myself. What will become of this frustratingly lovable retard? Will he save the day? Become our enemy? Or will he just fuck up a pot of spaghetti and burn our safe house down? For once, I don't have that answer. Just like everyone else, I have to wait and find out.